The 2001 Brief But Mind-Tingling Guide to Web Procrastination
by Myles Helfand

Originally published in early 2001 (duh) on studentadvantage.com.

You and I stand at the crossroads of what are arguably this year's two most momentous occasions: National Procrastination Week, which just ended, and National Brain Awareness Week, which has just begun. Yes, you read me right: National Procrastination Week and National Brain Awareness Week. Both actually exist, and the second actually comes right on the heels of the first. I'd have written about National Procrastination Week last Monday, but got caught up with a very important project trying to count the number of ants I couldn't see (final tally: lots).

Now then, on to the completely factual history lesson, which I painstakingly pieced together after doing extensive research while I was asleep last night. National Brain Awareness Week, as anybody with half an education knows, was established in whatever year by some guy or other, who created the holiday so people would always remember him. As Whatshisface's original plan went, National Brain Awareness Week was to be highlighted by a series of massive lectures given in dark, windowless rooms by Ben Stein, who would speak for 30 consecutive hours on the mysteries of the human mind. In addition, to commemorate the new holiday Emeril Lagasse was to unveil the world's largest completely accurate model of the brain, constructed entirely of Spam. (Or, as Emeril would say, "Spam!")

Sadly, before this exquisite testament to modern meat construction was completed, along came National Procrastination Week. It originated in Texas in 1995, when then-Governor George W. Bush became one of the most outspoken opponents of "the unpresidented burden that National Brain Awarenicity Week places on our cerebrous regions." Bush's new holiday quickly gained popularity, and preparations for National Brain Awareness Week celebrations ground to a halt. In a final, tragic twist to this forlorn tale, the engineers who had been feverishly working to complete the model brain got drunk and ate it instead.

And so, to commemorate this holy combination of truly memorable weeks, I present this year's Brief But Mind-Tingling Guide to Web Procrastination, which features real live Web sites and which would be longer if I didn't have lots of other things I'd rather be doing.

Ask the DreamDoctor: www.dreamdoctor.com
Have you ever had one of those dreams about stuff while you were sleeping? I know I have! This lovely site features a Q&A section devoted to analyzing the unconscious mental ramblings of everyone from teenagers to senior citizens. Did you know that if you dream about a grapefruit, it means you have a foot fetish? I sure hope not, because it's not true! Haha! OR IS IT...

Astronomy Picture of the Day: antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/
If there's one thing multi-billion dollar telescopes are good for, it's making pretty pictures. Entertain your friends for hours by playing the Rorschach test game! "What do you think that is, Julie?" "Looks like a fluorescent camel with a diamond on its neck." "WRONG! It's a Cluster MR-684-B3-Dolphin Nebula, of course! Can't you see the finely reticulated red-shifting strobe patterns on the purple dwarf?" You and your friends will be entertained for hours.

SPECIAL FUN BONUS ACTIVITY: Invite an uptight astronomy major over to look at the site with you; refer to stars as "those blinky dealies" and asteroids as "the whatchamacalits that Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck had to blow up in Armageddon."

Distort the Future President: http://www.colonize.com/warp/index.html
(it's a pre-election site, but it'll always be relevant)
A recent Gallup Poll of 458 adults conducted via telephone revealed that, when asked the question "What would you most like to do to Al Gore's face?" an amazing 96% of respondents answered, "Stop calling me or I'll report you to the police!" Coming in a close second was "Make it look all wacky," which is exactly what this Web page allows you to do. You can also try to make an image of George W. Bush look as goofy as possible, but that would be redundant.

Guess the Dictator/Sit-Com Character: 208.177.130.81/dictator/
Talk about flexing those brain muscles! You'll have to get really obscure if you want to outsmart this masterful time-munching Web site. This puppy's better than a magician with a deck of cards: By answering a series of yes-or-no questions, the site will determine with pinpoint accuracy whichever iron-fisted ruler or comedy-show personality you've got in your head. Napoleon? No problem. Sam Malone from Cheers? Piece of cake. Laurentius Petri of 16th-century Sweden? No, silly! He was a leader of the Swedish Protestant Reformation and the first Protestant archbishop of Uppsala, not a dictator! What were you thinking? Laurentius Petri. I mean, really.

You're still reading? What kind of procrastinator are you? Go kill time! Go! Kill! Hurry! You've got a lot of work to avoid - and so little time to do it in.

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